There’s two things most Americans love more than anything: Masturbation and America itself.

So, when the US has any involvement in an international sporting event, we go apeshit. Our infatuation with watching America beat the rest of the world on TV is actually really simple. We’re masturbating TO America. It’s our two favorite things!

Thus, the United States national soccer team was always likely to be the biggest selling point of soccer to the general public. Now that it’s so easy to watch these international games on TV’s in pubs and households, World Cup fever spreads faster than Ebola never did.

But aside from that being a witty joke about American media’s amazing ability to scare the shit out of everyone for profit purposes, it highlights another phenomenon. World Cup “fever” is actually very similar to fake disease outbreaks. They happen every four years or so, the media gets all crazy , and then we hear nothing about it until the next time one comes around.

Similar to soccer counterculture, footie in this context is more about the social aspect than the sport itself. People leave work early and gather in local bars and scream if they see a goal scored by the US. I’ve gotten far too many texts from people who never watch footie asking me what I’m doing for the game. If you ever learn the name of one foreign player who’s not Messi or Ronaldo I might join you.

But they usually don’t.

I’ve been to the past 3 World Cups. What really kills me is going to USMNT games. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing our boys play against the world’s best, but it’s the fans that kill me. There are a ridiculous amount of US fans that spend 90 percent of the match organizing chants, doing the wave, and making sure their face paint looks good. I’ve seen people with their fucking backs to the game in order to set up chants.

That’s fucking ridiculous. You spent all this money to come all the way down to Brazil, spent money to go to this match, and you care more about the bullshit than the beautiful game.

The focus during the World Cup is on America, not footie. That’s the issue.

Yet, I should stop bitching for a little. There was a time, only a decade ago, when soccer was still a sport for “pussies.” That stereotype certainly exists today, but to a far lesser extent. And in major urban areas, that stereotype is quickly being eradicated.

Those friends who were annoyingly texting me to go hang out at some bar to watch the US didn’t even know the US had a soccer team in the World Cup in 2006.

Perhaps despite all my bitching, there are positives to be found. Take, for example, NYCFC.

When NYCFC was first launched, it was on the coattails of the most recent World Cup. When asked, a large amount of supporters said that they hadn’t been footie fans before, but the WC piqued their interest and they decided to give their new, cool, local footie team a shot.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is progress.

Maybe one day we’ll graduate from “I believe that we will win” to winning.